Wishful Thinking

They say that necessity is the mother of invention. I say that so-much-to-do-so-little-time and too-much-frustration is the mother of my imagination. With my never ending To Do list and the void which was created when Oprah and her 17:30 time slot retired I have thought up my own wish list. If anyone is able to access or create these treasures we could become friends forev’s yo!

1) The Bed Suit

Problem: Getting out of bed

In order to fight the good fight and save the world joint by joint I actually have to get out of bed (by joint I am referring to the one that is found between your bones). This is one of the greatest challenges life throws every day of the week. As all good things in life, this challenge occurs in 3 stages.

Stage 1: Rest and Tranquillity

There I lay, in my cosy coccoon of warmth and happiness enveloped by my duvet.

Stage 1: Rest and Tranquillity. Me dreaming of unicorns who eat rainbows and poop butterflies.

Stage 2: Trauma

Shrill of the alarm jettisons me from my dream into a New Day.

Stage3: Denial

I try to delay the start of a New Day with all of its possibilities by hitting snooze repeatedly. Eventually I can hit snooze no longer. I have to muster enough strength and courage to leave the comfort of my bed and venture into the cold, crisp morning air. This stage is by far the most difficult; it should not be taken lightly.

Stage 3: Denial. Rocking back and fourth in foetal position fighting the cold and my instinct to stay in bed.

Solution: Bed Suit

The Bed Suit side steps the trauma caused by the transition from your cosy cocoon to the crisp morning air. 2 types of Bed Suits are available; there’s the Bed Suit Classic 101 and the Bed Suit Pro 202.

The Bed Suit Classic 101 fights the social system by allowing you to wear your bed. The concept is similar to wearing a sleeping bag, except you have more leg room which allows you to walk freely. This suit is energy and time efficient as you waste no time by “lying in”. It conserves mental energy as the all important question “What am I going to wear?” is answered by default.

Bed Suit Classic 101

The Bed Suit Pro 202 makes use of the latest astronautic technology. This insulated suit comes standard with a cordless blow heater, temperature regulator and thermometer. It is also available in a variety of colours and print.

Bed Suit Pro 202

2) The Brain Compatible SD Card

Problem: The Brain

You know a little bit about everything thus you know a lot about nothing. That little bit of knowledge is too much to say I don’t know, but too little to say “l know for shizz yo”. There's so much to learn, yet there's so little time. As a newbie you are young and passionate, but you lack experience. You are so eager to learn...but your brain is ever so slightly too porous.

Solution: The SD Brain Cards

Whenever I describe the brain to a patient I compare it to a computer. Whenever I didn’t know something my lecturer would say “I suggest you go fill in the gaps and consolidate your knowledge”. So why not marry the 2 ideas by creating a SD Card to fill in the information gaps of your body’s’ computer (ie. Your brain). By inserting the SD card you would unlock the knowledge related to topics of life in general. Knowledge contained on the card would come in different levels (foetus, beginner, intermediate and guru) thus keeping the element of fun in education.

Brain compatible SD Card. Note the slots are concealed by a devious fringe. 

3) Teleportation Device

Problem: Travelling

As the PADI scuba divers manual suggests life is more fun when “you go places, do things and meet people”. Since I usually drive to my adventure destinations I have to face a number of challenges. As mentioned in previous posts some of the challenges faced include cattle, mentally challenged road users, pot holes, Father Time and the ever changing price of petrol. The afore mentioned variables can make or break your journey as they can determine: A) whether or not your go B) your mood upon arrival and C) the amount of energy available on arrival.

Solution: Teleporation Device

Teleporting-saving you time, money and giving you a better Carbon footprint

Teleportation Device

4) The Great Big Book

Problem: Not Knowing Stuff 

Maybe it’s just me, but I've found that just  being a "grown up" has been a challenge this year. All I’d ever known was my student life-eat, sleep, study, fellowship, have fun, study, go on holiday, class, write exams, go to the fridge, study, bath, have fun, do stuff, study. In a blink of an eye my world changed. Suddenly I was starting a new job, in the real world, earning real money (as opposed to imaginary money), adjusting to a new environment. In my new world people use “grown up” words. Words like retirement annuity, SARS, IRP5, hospital plans are being thrown around like a boomerang-and I sit like a confused Koala Bear caught in the boomerang cross-fire.

Solution: A Book

Although most of life's questions can be answered by simply using Google, nothing beats having a SINGLE book where all the information pertaining to a certain topic can be found. For this reason a book with all of the “Real World” information should be compiled to prevent future new pretend grown ups from feeling confused and overwhelmed.

Some topics that could be covered in this book include:

1) SARS

-Who is SARS and what does it want?

-What is IRP5? What does it stand for?

-Do I need to add SARS in Facebook?

-I've registered with e-filing...now what?

2) Medical aid

-What do I need?

-It all looks the same, how do I choose?

3) Dictionary

-Filled with grown up words, the definition of each and the correct context in which to use it. This should prevent the reoccurrence of blank stares, nervous giggling and smile and wave moments 

The Great Big Book of "Things that No1 tells you (but the rest of the world expects you to know)". The book comes with a free pair of unisex Big Girl Panties-these panties can be worn when you face tough times and serve as a physical reminder of all the great lessons learnt in this book.

5) Shape Shifting 

Problem: The World

The difficulty with being a female is that your activities have the potential to be limited. These limitations exist as a result of the actions of a handful of misdirected individuals. Whether you do it consciously or sub-consciously you constantly have to assess your environment, making sure that you don’t take the wrong turn and end up in a deserted alley, being on the alert for potential smash-and-grabbers, pick pockets, generally shady characters, Godzilla and Flash-mob.

The perils of day to day life- you know living on the edge. Little Lady going for her run fighting the fight against heart disease, when the angry mob harasses her with unwanted comments.

Solution: Shape Shifting

Until people learn to love one another with an unselfish and wholesome kind of love I would like to propose a Shape Shifting Device. This device can come in the form of a watch, brooch or ring. With a touch of a button you can shift from your form to which ever form you please. In doing so you can go for your run, swim, stroll and travel where ever you please at which ever time without being viewed as an easy target.

Little Lady has shape shifted into an Orc-Do you still love her now?

6) Remote

Problem: Time

It moves too slowly during the week, it moves too fast over the weekend and when on holiday. There are too few hours in a day, yet I never get enough sleep.

Solution: A Time Control.

This little gadget allows you to fast forward, rewind, pause and mute everyday situations to your liking.